Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
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One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids