After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
*puts my mental health in rice
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.