When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
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You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Finally! 😈
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
sistine chapel
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
If you know, you know
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough