When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
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tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Finally! 😈
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers