First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
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Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.