I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
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[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”