If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
You Might Also Like
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
o shit
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Des Moines Police having a normal one
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”