My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
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I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
These are my roll models.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”