[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
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i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.