My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
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You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
greetings!
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater