That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
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Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.