CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
You Might Also Like
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.