Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
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I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.