Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
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Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I’m too immature for adultery.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.