Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
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[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.