Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I hope Alan is OK
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Writing, She Murdered.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.