How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.