Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
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TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough