Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
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If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
How I like cutting carbs
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”