My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
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“HOW” – dyslexic owl
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
*me flirting
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???