I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
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“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
how long have you had this for?
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
We avoided this particular disaster
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???