COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
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the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
A classic…
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.