Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
You Might Also Like
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Never ghost your hitman.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.