The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
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Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
The two types of wives
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is