People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
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Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁