I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
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I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.