Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
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opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
selena gomez
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that