Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
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An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.