She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
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Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?