Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
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This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…