(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
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Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Personal question. #JustSaying
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.