[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
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Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Cndnsd Mlk
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
How animals would run if they were human
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!