If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
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Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
jesus, what did this guy do
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”