Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
You Might Also Like
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.