Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
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16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.