[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
You Might Also Like
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My dad teaching me to drive
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?