Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
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DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.