When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
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If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)