My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
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Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”