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*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
he was correct
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.