Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
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God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
hackers play passwordle
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
*aggressively waits in line*
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT