11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
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You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.