During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
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“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.