[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
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God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.