“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
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Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Cow it started Cow it’s going
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Smooooooth
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.