Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
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girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.