God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
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Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.