Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
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It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up