And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way