bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
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As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.